White Shirt Monday: The Georg-Friedrich-Hogwarts-All-Girls-in-Uniform-Boarding-School-After-Dark-Room-Special. With Ties. And Swords.

[Brenda Rae (Armida) and Sonia Prina (Rinaldo) effectively Handeling the situation in a very lesbian bedside manner during “Rinaldo”, staged by Robert Carsen, Glyndebourne 2011. – All images: click if you want even more details]

…

Sorry, but there is no other way to title this post, and I didn’t even mention Xena and ET and anime riot grrrls and Malory Towers yet, and the production is already filled with more queer than you can take a stick at. Or a riding crop. Or a sword. But I am getting ahead of myself. – You know the common saying how sometimes lesbians “channel their inner gay man”? This is a post about Robert Carsen channeling his inner boading school lesbian with a kinky crush on the austere headmistress. In fetish leather. With gorgeous Handel singing to boot.

But let’s take it from the top (and I mean that in *every* possible way), shall we?

First of all, since it is White Shirt Monday, let’s appreciate Sonia Prina in a school uniform doing just the right mix of studly and cute.

…

While Konwitschny’s “Lohengrin” is hanging above every classroom scenario since (it’s perfect!), here it does work in its own way – the entire opera, originally set in the Crusades, is envisioned as one little baby butch school boi boy having a dream adventure, with classmates and teachers taking over roles in it. What better place to start than swords and armor and braggadoccio arias?

…

So… there is Sonia Prina (Rinaldo), the shortest of the bunch, as title hero Rinaldo. Then there is a goggle of Warblers Abercrombies uniformed male-born, squeaky-western-white classmates, but who gets to be lead wolf Goffredo? Armenian mezzo Varduhi Abrahamyan. Carsen is always pretty, but it’s even prettier when some Gender Critique happens.

…

…Gender Critique with great mezzo singing.

…

…and with ties, and sword hilts, and white shirts. Also, she he possibly teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. With Dark Timbre.

…

Aporpos Dark: Enter Armida (Brenda Rae). I’m not sure what she would teach, but I’m sure you would need to be of age of consent to enter that particular class.

…

…and she comes with an entire entourage of manga-inspired boarding school riot fangrrrls who fawn over her. Or her riding crop. Or both.

…

…of course she wields swords, too.

…

As adolescent fantasies go, it isn’t particularly subtle.

Screw “subtle”, where do I sign up for this class?!

…

Meanwhile, Rinaldo has a thing for librarians. That means he has a crush on Almirena (Anett Fritsch). Who could blame him/her – a tie AND glasses!! (And Carsen actually uses BIRDS for “Augelletti, che cantate”. Cute meta.)

…

There’s even a reference to the wire fence from “Gìa” thrown in. Just in case you didn’t notice because you were distracted by the cute contralto/soprano hand-holding.

…

…remember Elizabeth Mitchell in “Gìa”?

…

And then the knight kissed the librarian…

…

…and they sang a glorious duet…

…

…also: hands, hands!…

…

…and they lived happily ever after.

…

…until Armida strode in with her Feminist Riot Posse and abducted Almirena the Librarian for some mandatory Women’s Studies 101.

…

At this point, Sonia Prina gets to sing a sublime “Cara sposa”. (Darren Who?)

…

I’ll just be over there in the corner, swooning.

…

Of course, then Rinaldo draws his sword and the Handelwarts Boy Band pays tribute to Queen’s “Bicycle Race” before they dash off to save the Princess Bride Princess Librarian.

…

I did mention the brandishing of swords, right?

Unsubtle. Overruled. Still dashing.

…

Then this happens.

Don’t even ask. We’ve got a librarian to rescue. (didn’t Drew Barrymore have pigtails back then?)

…

Rinaldeebo Brinker’s journey of awakenings: First, it’s Siegfried(a) and the Rhine Maidens (we shall simply call the additonal two Bachblüte and Flachflute)…

Also: sword-sheathing. Oh my.

…

…then, it’s Odysseus and the Librarian Sirens (Don’t cross your Penelope, Rinaldeebo. – No, I’m not even sorry about the bad puns today. I think the only appropriate reaction to an adolescent fantasy is to giggle and paint yourself with the bigger sword.)

…

…apropos bigger sword: Armida Bradshaw has taken up after-hours teaching with the Girl Posse, and Rinaldo stumbles right into the dormitory of Mädchen in Uniform (both 1931 and 1958 version).

…

Naturally, Rinaldo ends up tied to a bed with a set of school uniform ties. By a couple of manga schoolgirls. Please note the rolled up shirtsleeves and open collar on the very right. A+!

…

Armida Bradshaw apparently gives private lessons.

…

Unbuttoned.

…

*no coherent commentary forthcoming at the moment*

…

So this brings us back to the cover graphic above.

I guess you don’t mind the reminder.

…

So there are two ways this could go down…

No, actually there is just one way. That, and thanking the universe for it.

…

But the studly contralto butch makes a stand about her librarian.

And strikes a pose (also: always guard your riding crop dangling from the wardrobe. Renders so many questions unnecessary).

…

I take your pose and raise you… stilettos.

…

…Hands-on-hips, Honor Roll in the sack.

…

…and arms. And shoulders. (perhaps Brenda Rae is Swedish? And actually a mezzo?).

Please take note of Rinaldo spontaneously combusting in the background.

…

Mrs. Armida Robinson isn’t giving up yet. – Why did you say no again, Rinaldo?

…

WHY?

…

Oh, yes, the librarians.

…

Ah well. Two tops wouldn’t have worked out that well, anyway.

Rinaldo kisses his way through the whole line-up of Almirenas to prove his rather butch-looking point.

(No complaints here.)

…

I’m sure there’s a Greek goddess named after this pose.

…

Then this almost happens…

…

…and then Rinaldo draws his sword. From *under* Armida.

Yeah, why kiss when you can go all grown-up meta instead.

…

Some angry eye!sex ensues, but I am distracted by Prof. Bradshaw’s heels.

…

Rinaldo storms off, so Armida draws her own sword (I am groaning at my own puns, but really, this is what happens on stage).

…

Armida does a 180 and pulls a soulful Alcina (with sword, though).

…

…with a sword AND a tie.

…

…and a riding crop.

…

*gulp*

And apropos riding crop —

…

— in this Mädchen in Uniform dorm after dark (remember the infamous dormitory kiss scene?), the schoolgirls get spanked goodnight. (and now we officially know way more about Robert Carsen’s inner lesbian than we ever wanted to)

…

In an attempt to help Rinaldo, the Handelwarts Boy Band channels the Malory Towers All-Girls Hockey Team.

When in doubt: Drag!

…

Meanwhile, in the Dark Room School Gym: Armida and her manga class have Rinaldo, Almirena and, for the guys among us, Luca Pisaroni chained up. No, I am not making this up.

…

Of course you can also us a tie to blindfold someone.

But then the contralto in question cannot appreciate those heels. Or that skirtline.

…

Despite Rinaldo’s protests: Armida still has the bigger sword.

…

The fake Malory Towers Hockey Team arrives, with hockey sticks, and battles the Manga Girl Posse, who wield Lacrosse sticks. I am sure this scenario was mentioned in Ginzburg’s Benandanti study somewhere.

Also, Armida gets to do some more sword-wielding.

…

The Drag Team wins and Rinaldo gets the girl. In a white shirt. And by that, I mean wearing nothing BUT a white shirt (and a tie, of course).

…

Happy reunion. Also, Almirena has taken some pointers from Armida on the art of sword-wielding during her 101 class in Riot Feminism. Rinaldo clearly doesn’t mind.

…

Also, I’m still not over the Glorious Girl Posse, who are all very happy to have their stern Ms. Bradshaw to themselves again.

…

The final battle is transformed into a ballgame of boys-vs-girls, and the girls suddenly wear the famous Gabrille outfit from Xena Warrior Princess. Pop culture reference overkill! Also: forever BGSB!

…

Well, if you can’t have the cute contralto, there’s always the option of Luca Pisaroni’s Argante. Perhaps he’ll appreciate that hands-on-hips stance properly. And doesn’t mind being topped.

…

Goffredo officiates Rinaldo’s wedding to Librarian Almirena.

…

“Ah, buckle this! We now go to ludicrous coloratura speed!” (Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries!).

…

And here the dream ends and we find Rinaldo alone in the classroom, watching his adventure fade away.

…

…he still really knows how to strike a dashing pose, though. – Oh Captain, my Captain!

The End.

(and if you’d like to repeat this adventure (or relive your own school crush days) with your own eyes and ears: there’s a DVD.)